Saturday, September 29, 2007

When the police interrupt your speech...


After yesterday's debacle, I tried once again to practice my humorous speech before a group of unsuspecting Toastmasters.

I was in a restaurant banquet room and just getting to my first punch line when four policemen walked in and sat down, which of course EVERYONE noticed.

I didn't miss a beat, I pointed to an elderly courtly lawyer who was sitting in front of me with one of those emphysema oxygen bottle breathing machines and said "Officers, if your looking for Mr. Smith he's right up front here, but he swears the waitress told him she was over 18 last week!"

(side note: these officers had all failed the oral portion of a promotion exam and the promotion board told them that Toastmasters might be good for them. Big ole brave policemen had to come as a group to muster up enough courage to do this together!!)

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Murphy's law when giving a speech


I was visiting a Toastmasters club last week to practice the speech I plan to give at the upcoming humorous speech contest. Two-thirds of the way through my speech, I hear a very obnoxious cell phone go off...I try to ignore it.

A woman opens up her purse and pulls out the cell phone...Good LORD that is one LOUD ringtone.

She opens up the phone and says "Give me a moment please..."

Eyes are turning to her...I'm getting to the "funny" part of my speech....

She gets up to leave the room...and knocks over an elderly man sitting two seats over...."oh I am SOO SORRY!"

more eyes turning...I should've stopped right then.

She is still jabbering on her phone "honey...honey...wait just a minute until I leave the room.."

To leave the room she has to walk right in front of me. She limps so she moves very very slowly....

I've lost 50% or more of the audience at this point...

She says "Honey...stop crying, I can't understand you..."

Now EVERYONE has lost interest in whatever I had to say and is watching her.

My speech falls flat. Bleh.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

"I will NOT have sex with you anymore!"


I'm sitting in a relatively crowded airport last night waiting for my flight to board.

There's a woman sitting behind me having a heated conversation on her cell phone. I am trying to ignore her but it just got too good...

"Look, we can still be the best of friends, but I am just not going to have sex with you any longer..."

pause

"No, that counts as 'sex' to me!"

pause

"No! That's also considered sex!"

*sigh* then they called my flight
Wish I could've heard the rest of THAT conversation!!

Friday, September 21, 2007

THUMP THUMP THUMP....at 40,000 Feet

BUF-ATL Delta(Comair)

Just when I thought I'd seen it all.....

Flying home tonight on a Canadair Regional Jet Buffalo-Atlanta. Beautiful night to fly, cruising right along at 40,000 feet...

In the extreme rear of the plane, I heard THUMP THUMP THUMP

huh?

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

coming from the lavatory.

Evidently, a somewhat portly man was doing his bidness and when pulling up his pants afterward fell over and had gotten stuck in the tiny lavatory between the sink and the door....he had literally fallen and he can't get up.

Fussy older flight attendant tries to ascertain through the door if the man requires medical attention? "No, ma'am, I'm just stuck here!"

Burly Svedish looking guy tries jiggling the door but can't get it open.

Finally flight attendant gets on phone and pilot comes out of cockpit with odd looking key...opens door and Mr. Portly spills out into the aisle (thankfully, he'd managed to get his pants up.

Plane cheers wildly and Mr. Portly turns beet red. I notice pilot rolling his eyes as he walks back up aisle to cockpit.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Methane on the Train


I was in Las Vegas airport last Sunday night, getting ready to fly to Atlanta. I had just finished a huge steak dinner prior to getting on the plane.

At Las Vegas airport, they have these trains to take you out to the different terminals. I am standing there at the terminal and feel the overwhelming urge to pass a bit of flatulence. I was all by myself, so I didn't see any problem with doing this.

Ahhhhhh....much better.

Well, to call this a "silent but deadly" one would not do it justice. Paint was peeling off walls, folks. I moved about 20 yards downrange because my eyes were watering so bad. On a scale of 1 to 10 this was easily a 30.

The train arrives and the doors open. People are streaming out....and turning green. One woman starts making retching sounds. Her husband looks concerned, then takes a sniff...and turns around and punches the guy next to him!!

"Dammit Jim! I told you I was gonna kick your ass if you ever farted around my wife again!"

Jim slugs Mr. Husband back "It wasn't me, I swear!"

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Three Shots


Spinning Basketball

My all-time favorite basketball story, from 2001:

Everyone should witness their child in a game like this at least once in their life.

It was the quarterfinals of the league playoffs. Our team, ranked #2 in the league, had its hands full with the number 5 ranked team. The other team was playing on emotion and you could feel the electricity in the air.

We were down by three points with 14 seconds left in the game. The other team knew we were going have to throw up a long three pointer just to tie the game. We had one long distance shooting threat on our team, my son Ed. I was coaching and drew up a play for Ed during our last timeout. The people in the stands were yelling so hard we couldn’t hear ourselves. I was proud: our team didn’t look defeated, although we were down. We looked…hungry.

We started back out on the court, and I called my son back. Away from everyone else’s ears, I leaned down and whispered to him “Whether you make the shot or not, hold your head high. You’re my son and I love you”. He grinned at me.

We lined up and executed the play to perfection. My son shook off two defenders, stepped behind a screen of two players, and fired from 30 feet out.

And missed.

He hit the back of the rim, and the ball caromed wildly right back to him! He looked down (to make sure he was beyond the three-point arc) and fired again with two seconds left.

Nothing but net. Three points. Tie game. Overtime.

We were spent, and the other team quickly ran off five quick points in overtime. Down by 5 with a minute left to play in overtime is usually a sure loss. But we battled back, and our most mercurial player David fired a jump shot that somehow went in with 50 seconds left in overtime. Down by 3. We stopped them on their next possession, and I called time out with 30 seconds left. Déjà vu all over again.

We again ran a play to Ed, but they were ready this time, with three defenders hanging off of him. He had no choice but to pass off to our big man, Jon, who was way out of position at the top of the key. I waited calmly for our season to end. Jon, who was not being guarded, cranked up his very first jumper from just beyond the three point line…

and it went in.

Tie game. Again. Pure bedlam. Ten seconds left.

The opposing coach was screaming at his team to call time out, and we got a gift.

The player attempting to inbound the ball was distracted by his coach and stepped on the inbound line. Big no-no. Referee whistled a turnover and we get the ball back!

I quickly set up a play, and caution the boys that we only need a single point to win the game. Let’s do it, men!

Jon and Ed are covered by two kids each, so we are forced to throw the ball to our worst dribbler, Devon. The other team sees this and they all descend upon him like a pack of hungry wolves. Devon somehow manages to squirt the ball out to my son behind him. Ed fires a jump shot with four seconds left and no less than three hands in his face. He misses badly, the ball clanks harmlessly off the bottom of the rim….

…into the hands of Mark, a kid who has not scored a basket for our team all year. He is all alone beneath the basket, no one had bothered to guard him as he had one of the worst shooting percentages in the entire league.

Mark twists his body, fires an off-balance left handed soft shot from underneath the basket. The ball totters on the rim.

The horn sounds.

The ball drops in.

Two points.

We win.

I can’t breathe.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

You Go! Go NOW!


I ate dinner last night at an all-you-can-eat chinese buffet.

A rather large woman two tables away began choking. Her dinner companions started smacking her on the back, and she was gesticulating wildly because she couldn’t breathe. She knocked a plate on the floor.

I got up to play Heimlich Man, but before I could reach her table she made a massive retching noise and dislodged whatever was stuck in her throat….and promptly yakked up everything else she’d eaten as well.

The ancient Chinese crone manning the cash register ran over and quickly assessed the situation. She turned to the woman and said “You GO! Go NOW! GO!”

I love people.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

My picture


Just loading this up here to use for my avatar.