I almost drowned once. The circumstances of my almost-demise were bizarre enough that I would have certainly made the "New of the Weird" column in the newspaper had I not survived.
Last June, I was wheeling my 55 gallon trash can back from the curb in front of my house. It was trash day and the garbagemen had just left. Unfortunately, a bag of used cat litter had broken inside the trash can and the smell of the trash can...even though it was now empty...was pretty horrific.
I decided to clean out the trash can...I couldn't envision it smelling that way for another week in the hot garage. I dumped an entire bottle of bleach into the bottom of the can, then filled it up about one third of the way full with a garden hose. I got an old broom and scrubbed the sides and bottom of the can.
So far, so good.
I then faced a dilemma as to where to dump my now-toxic suds. I ultimately decided to wheel the can around to my back yard and dump the trash can out back in the woods.
In order to do this, however, I had to negotiate a rather steep hill on the right side of my house. I gingerly eased the trash can down the fifty-degree incline, angling it downward. The top flap of the can flopped open...and I accidently stepped on it.
Things happened very quickly after that. When I stepped on the lid, the can immediately stopped rolling...but I didn't stop moving. I pitched forward and fell face first into the soapy bleachy cat-crappy water. My forward momentum caused the trash can to slide very fast down the hill, my face and chest underwater, my legs thrashing wildly near the top of the can.
I desperately tried to roll upward within the sliding can but the trash can rolled as well, keeping my head underwater. I could not catch my breath and was panicking...I kept thinking, I am going to die in this catshit swamp.
Eventually, though, we reached the bottom of the hill and the can slowed to a halt. I managed to force my head above the water, but I was still essentially upside down inside the trash can. My predicament was so ludicrous I couldn't help but laugh...
then...the coup de grace....my cell phone popped out of my jeans pocket and hit me in the face. It bounced off me and fell into the water next to my ear. I heard it make a soft buzzing sound right before it died in its watery grave.
I eventually managed to crawl out of my reinforced plastic tomb, and couldn't hit the showers fast enough. I scrubbed every inch of my body for what seemed like a half an hour...and when I got out of the shower I noticed my dark brown hair had been turned into a completely unappealing shade of dark orange, requiring me to get a crew cut that day for the first time since I'd left the Army.
When I tell this story, sometimes people laugh....other times, they tell me I'm full of garbage.
