Crosseyed and Painless

After three weeks with no eyeglasses and blurry double-vision, I was overjoyed when I finally got the call today that my corrective glasses had arrived.

A quick run over to Copperfield Vision ensued.

I put on the glasses....and became very alarmed when my bruised left eyeball started swinging wildly in its socket. Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, was doubled. I was equal parts panicked and irritated.

The fitting technician, bless her heart, calmed me down and explained that my eyes were adjusting themselves to the glasses "auto-magically".

Sure enough, after about 10 minutes I could actually see straight for the first time in weeks, and after an hour or so I can actually see everything perfectly.

No more driving my new Dodge Challenger like Mr. Magoo!

How To Pickup Flight Attendants

Flying the red-eye special from Las Vegas to Houston. I opted to spend $69 of my princely $85 in gambling winnings to upgrade to First Class. Sadly, all the window seats were taken so I was sitting on the aisle.

We had an uneventful climb-out of Las Vegas, and the guy in the row ahead of me asks the flight attendant for a blanket.

She opens up the overhead compartment directly across from my seat...

And a carry-on bag comes tumbling out and hits her...HARD...on the shoulder.

She topples backward...I have literally a millisecond to react, and I "catch" her as she falls directly into my lap. My left arm catches her back, my right arm is under her knees...basically she's pinned my arms to the arm rests, I'm cradling her.

Naturally, everyone turns to look.

I say the first thing that comes to mind:
"Please exercise caution when opening the overhead compartments as items may have shifted during takeoff and landing".

Much laughter in First Class.

The mightily embarassed flight attendant, who is being a good sport about this, nuzzles my neck and whispers throatily in my ear "You're such a smartass..."

Why yes, yes I am!

Eye Carumba!

Continuing the further adventures of Bob Jensen, a singularly uncoordinated man....(warning...not for the squeamish)...

I was very happy to find one of those "press on" LED lights you can use to illuminate dark rooms at the local Bed, Bath and Beyond. I had been looking for one for quite a while.  It was on a rack of various items that stretched from the floor to the ceiling, on the very bottom rack just a few inches off the floor. I was so excited to find it I swooped down to grab one....

....and promptly impaled my left eye on an empty rung two levels up.

That's right...I said "impaled".

By some miracle the empty rung hit me on the left corner of my eye, and slid into my eye socket about an inch, partially dislodging my eyeball.

A half-inch to the right and I would have punctured my eyeball and been blinded in one eye.

The little rung thingee got stuck between my eye and the socket. Did I mention it hurt?

...and it got stuck there.

I'm standing, crouched over a display at Bed Bath and Beyond, with a rubber coat metal display hanger stuck in my eye socket.

Not my best day.

I gingerly pulled back and was able to pull myself off the metal display hanger. My eye made this sucking "glorp" sound that sounded ten times worse with the echo inside my head when I finally pulled it off (probably took all of three seconds, but make no mistake, that was possibly the longest three seconds in my life). 

A little blood from a small cut on the corner of my eye and a lot of involuntary tears.

It started swelling up shut so I drove home (thankfully only  a mile) and put an ice pack on it.

No lasting damage but it hurts to look to the left today. I think my eyeball itself is bruised.

(and in all the excitement I never did buy that stupid light!)