Saturday, December 17, 2011

Bob's Steamiest Post Ever

Not pictured: Me
Most of you know that I'm not the most coordinated person in the world. Today, though, I reached new heights....or perhaps I should say new lows...for being accident prone.

I worked out this afternoon at the gym, then decided to go visit the steam room to work the kinks out of a tight shoulder muscle. The door to the steam room is heavy and spring loaded, it's designed that way to close quickly and tightly when someone enters.

I opened the door and stepped into the steam room, which was for some reason much more crowded then normal. Unfortunately, the door snapped back and caught the heel of my flip-flop/shower shoe.

I hadn't realized it had caught so when I took a step forward, my shoe's thong snapped and I pitched forward like a cannonball into steam oblivion.

If I was a bowling ball and everyone else standing around were bowling pins, I'd have had a perfect strike. Pins....I mean, bodies....went flying everywhere. I honestly don't know how many people I knocked down, but by the time I hit the floor there was no one else left standing.

So there is a tangle of people on the hot 'n sweaty floor of the steam room, and guys are trying to assist people to their feet (in a manly, heterosexual way, of course!).

Another fellow outside heard the commotion, and opened and propped open the door to see if anyone needed assistance....bad idea. The steam jets on the side floor of the room start firing like crazy  and those of us who had yet to get to their feet got a faceful of live steam. Not pleasant.

The topper, though, was the Good Samaritan who thought he was helping us by opening the door...a few minutes later, he told me, "I opened that door and for a second there I thought I was looking at live action gay porno from Hell!"












Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Fun at the DMV

Spent entirely too long at the Texas DMV today, getting my brand new Texas driver's license. $245 spent today on tax, tags and titles.

Sitting next to me today was an ancient Vietnamese lady. She had a great story....

"I come from Vietnam in 1972. I arrive this country, I always work. Work for cash. I pay no taxes. I have no social security card. I do this for years, many years. I never ask any help from government. Government no good. Almost forty years, today is first time I get identification card".

Wow, I say, what made you change your mind?

She starts laughing. People turn and start looking at her.

She reaches into her purse, pulls out a piece of paper very dramatically...and waves it.

Because.......I WIN LOTTERY....and Texas not cash big winning tickets without ID!

The rest of the time I was there was a steady stream of people coming up to her and asking if they could just touch her winning lottery ticket.























Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Rogue Cat

I have a cat. She is a rather ordinary housecat, with one striking peculiarity. She hackles when she hears mere humans breathing heavily.

I was doing a heavy kettlebell workout at home yesterday, swinging a 35 pounder and working up quite a sweat.

In my peripheral vision I noticed the cat atop a shelf, watching me swing the kettlebell back and forth.

On my last set of double armed swings, I was trying to get through my last 30 repetitions. I was seriously gassed and my heart felt as if it were going to explode through my chest....

It was then that the cat, having had quite enough of my heavy breathing, decided to pounce.

Tooth, Fang and Claw sunk into my right wrist, shredding skin everywhere.

Did I mention I was swinging a kettlebell at the time?

Kettlebells are very dangerous missles when you lose control.

The cat was hanging on for dear life and I was off balance. I somehow managed to right myself with just my left hand on the bell, the bell's momentum swung down through my leg and I did an interesting pirouette trying to simultaneously drop the bell and scrape the cat off my arm.

The cat got a serious lecture about interrupting my exercise time afterwards. I don't think she listened.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Things that go "BOOM" in the night...


Tremendous explosion in the main floor bathroom at 10:30 tonight. Scared the hell out of me!

My cat had had an accident in the bathroom earlier that evening (try as she might, she never seems to be able to poop inside the toilet).

I cleaned up the mess and sprayed the room top-to-bottom with Lysol. While I was straightening stuff up, I inadvertently left the can of Lysol touching a heating element on the baseboard in the bathroom.

Did I mention it was rather cold here in Georgia tonight?

The heat caused the side of the Lysol can to tear a one inch rupture, creating a tremendous missile that detonated against the door of the bathroom. Evidently the Lysol can spent it's dying moment swirling around in a circle, spewing about a pound of concentrated Lysol all over the walls and floor.

The whole house smells like Lysol now.

The cat is hiding under the sofa.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Things that go "blink" in the night...


This morning, I awoke to a rather surrealistic scene.... flashing yellow, red and blue lights on my bedroom walls.

Since my disco days were long since past, I naturally assumed I was having some sort of bizzare LSD flashback.

Upon remembering that I'd never actually done LSD, I got out of be and looked out my bedroom window.

I live on a corner lot at the entrance to my subdivision. On my side yard there was a broken down fire engine (flashing red brake lights). There was a police cruiser (flashing blue lights) directing cars around the engine, and one of the monstrous truck towing trucks (flashing yellow lights) attempting to position itself so it would be able to tow the disabled fire engine.

I never did get back to sleep....