>......Luuuuuuke........<

BUF - ATL (ASA)

I don't know if I can do this entry justice...it might have been a "you had to be there" moment.

Routine pre-flight instructions from the flight attendant, until she gets to the part about putting the oxygen mask over your face. There's a momentary pause, I was quasi-paying attention (having only heard this 1000 times before) when all of a sudden over the PA you hear the iconic "Darth Vader" wheeze... she's actually wearing the fake oxygen mask! and says in a very low, throaty voice that would have made James Earl Jones proud... "Luuuuuuuuuuke...."

It's little things like that that put a smile on everyone's face.

Champagne Flight

CVG - GRB Comair

It was May of 1998. Judy and I are celebrating...after 18 months of flying into Appleton Wisconsin and driving 40 miles to our account in Green Bay, we are on the inaugural flight...the very first flight....of Comair from Cincy directly to Green Bay. Judy, a 2 million miler, is telling me about these "champagne flights".

Seems that when an airline begins service to a new city, they pull out all stops and have champagne at the destination and usually the local news.

We pull up to the gate at Green Bay, and there are a lot of party streamers ringing the gate. Walk inside and see....a tray of cheese danish (each cut IN HALF) and a tub of ice with soft drinks in them.

Some party.

I laugh at Judy, pick out a wet Diet Coke and we trundle down to baggage claim. I pop the top on the Diet Coke, take a healthy swig...and spit immediately. Something is VERY VERY WRONG with the soda. It's like drinking liquid metal, the aftertaste is so strong. For a fleeting moment, I think someone has doctored this drink somehow and I have been poisoned. Judy looks at me worriedly. I examine the can...

....contents best used by August 1995. Three YEAR old Diet Coke? WTH?

Judy never lets me live this down.

IAD - MCO All Nippon Airways (USAir codeshare)

First time I've been on a 747 in a long while. First time I've EVER been on a Japanese flagged carrier, this is a Tokyo-Dulles-Orlando flight that I've picked up at Dulles.

Uneventful first half hour, until we get over Fayetteville, NC. All of a sudden I hear excited squawking in Japanese from the cockpit on the public address. I am on the left side of the plane, and virtually EVERYONE on the right side of the plane stands up and rushs over to the left side.

For a fleeting moment I thought there was trouble on the plane...but then I notice almost all these friendly Japanese folks are getting out cameras.

I look out the window... and far below our plane is a large KC-135 tanker plane refueling a pair of military fighter jets.

The cameras are clicking furiously.

Most impressive to look down upon!

Tai Chi Whiz

ATL - PDX Delta

Got a comp first class upgrade to Portland...makes all the difference in the world. Long flight from Atlanta, all oriental flight attendants (this flight stops in Portland and then goes on to Japan).


About an hour into the flight, an older guy stands up in the middle of the first class aisle and starts doing tai chi movement exercises. It's intrusive as all hell, but everyone pretends not to notice. Another guy stands up and opens an overhead bin, to get his laptop out...

....and Mr. Tai Chi whirls and cracks his temple on the raised overhead bin door. *Lights Out!* He crumples into the aisle, a huge knot forming on his forehead...


.....and everyone pretends not to notice.

In The Pink

MCO - LEX Delta Express

Early morning flight to Lexington for a big presentation. I've got the "power suit" on, my favorite blue pinstripe. I'm a master of my domain today. I'm sitting in the front row of a Delta Express, no first class regrettably. Next to me is a cute girl about nine or so in the middle seat. She's wearing one of those big red and white striped buttons that Delta gives to unaccompanied minors.

I'm making last minute changes to some Powerpoint slides when the little girl falls asleep...her head nestled against my left arm. Awwwww....how sweet.

We land uneventfully and the little darling wakes up. They open the front door and I stand up...

...and there is a big...no HUGE...blob of chewing gum in the crease fold of my suitcoat that I've been wearing the whole trip. It's the size of a baseball, and when I stood up it stretched pink gum in ALL directions. It's a wool suit and dammit the gum just won't come off. Little darling must've had it fall out her mouth when asleep.

I try, with no luck whatsoever, in the terminal bathroom to get this mess off. Nothing works. I have to show up for my presentation in a shirt and tie only, no way am I gonna face 20+ senior bankers like this. People on the team with me that are assisting with the presentation all try to catch my attention: "Psst! Suit Jacket? Where's your coat?"

Yeah yeah, I know....

Why I Hate Mankind

PHI - ATL Delta

Return trip to Atlanta from Philly. I hang around the counter and ahhhhh yes, I'm cleared for a complimentary first class upgrade. Life is good.

But only for a fleeting moment. 20 minutes later I hear my name being paged on the public address. Gee sir, we're so very sorry, but at the same time we were clearing you for a first class upgrade someone purchased a first class ticket. So we won't be able to honor your upgrade tonight but here, have a free cocktail and 10,000 Skymiles on Delta.

*grumble grumble grumble*

I board the plane and trudge towards my lousy very-last-row-of-the-plane seat and I happen to glance at the bastid who took "my" seat 2A in first class...

and son-of-a-gun if it isn't Mick "Mankind" Foley, the same wrestler I ran into coming INTO Philly a few nights earlier!! He's hitting seriously on the sweet young thing sitting next to him in "my" seat ("I'm an author...seriously! and I've been on just about every morning talk show...blah blah blah").

I decide then and there that I hate Mankind.

"You Dat Rassler!"

ATL - PHI Delta

Uneventful flight Atlanta Philadelphia. Long, long walk to the rental car counter. Ancient black lady behind the counter looks up at me and says "You! You dat rassler!" I smile and puff up my chest. No, ma'am, I begin, I may be tall and stocky but I'm not a wrestler... "Not YOU" she interrupts "HIM!" pointing to the guy behind me...

Mick "Mankind" Foley.

Sheesh. How embarassing.